Beat It To Death

Have you (or someone you love) been swept up in Da Vinci Code mania? The media assault accompanying the tandem release of the movie and video game insures that we are exposed to the phrases The Da Vinci Code; "So dark the con of man"; and "Mary Magdalene" at least twenty times a day. Each. Of course, that's only if you have a television, car radio, newspaper, magazine, eyeballs, or eardrums. Frankly, and I don't think I'm alone here, I'm sick of it.

I'd like to get through a day without someone wanting to know what I think about it, or, worse, wanting me to want to know what they think. I don't care what you think; I'm concerned with why you think it. Why is this book so important? It's badly written and reads how I imagine the script for Armageddon did. Perhaps that's part of the appeal; it's big and dumb, like wrestling. The characters are flat and totally without life; they seem incapable of engaging the reader. The plot devices and pacing are completely ham-handed. The characters solve puzzles exactly when they must. If they require a resource, or a final bit of knowledge, they receive it at the very last minute, over and over again. With this in mind, the book barrels along at top speed. When readers don't have to wait very long for the characters to catch on, the story just trips right along.

Rather than building suspense, Dan Brown reveals information formulaically, almost as if he were rewarding the reader for sticking with it(which he should). If a chapter concludes with the main characters finally understanding something, or setting eyes on a pertinent item, or cracking a clue, it ends right there, just before you find out. And you won't find out in the next chapter because, invariably, it will deal with secondary characters and cheap plot advancement. No, you won't be let in on the secret til the next chapter, but, don't worry, there's no chance this formula will vary, so the ride won't get too bumpy. It appears Mr. Brown went to the Pythagorean school of writing.

Unfortunately, said school only seems to teach obvious manipulations of plot and story, not true writing. Dan Brown's prose reads like a very talented 8th grader wrote it. It's engaging on a juevenile level, repetitive, and attempts to lead the reader by the nose to each available clue. There is no adumbration, just stark descriptions and revelations. I was left wondering if someone could write a less intriguing mystery.

To top off a sub-par effort by a sub-par author, the book and movie have sparked some of the most ridiculous religious debates since J.K. Rowling went under the gun for teaching kiddies witchcraft. Christians are striving to let the world know that the accusations and "history" of The Da Vinci Code are false and wildly inaccurate. I guess I just kind of assumed when I picked up this NOVEL that I would be reading a fictional story, not a religious commentary with deep, theological implications. But, since believers are in the midst of a campaign to drive our country down the Christian cattle chute and into the theocratic slaughterhouse, they are understandably wary about anything that poses an (even imaginary) threat to their hegemony.

The argument is that this book and movie will make Christians question the history of their religion, and, by extension, their own faith. The implication, however is much more interesting. If a silly book like this, and an equally silly movie can ostensibly waver the bedrock of faith in a Christian country, perhaps your hold isn't as tight as you thought. Maybe people's faith is less a matter of certainty (as Christians believe) and more a matter of convenience (as I believe).

Churches are struggling to fill their pews these days. Despite an overwhelming majority of people who identify themselves as Christians, surprisingly few actually attend formal worship. And of those few who make the claim, contemporary polls suggest that many of those are actually lying. In this atmosphere it's easy to understand why church leaders are so afraid of this paltry little book. Christians seem to be looking for any excuse to further disregard their faith.

Unfortunately, the other side of the argument is just as lacking. The idea that Dan Brown has revolutionized the history of Christianity is just as absurd as the claims the actual religion makes. I haven't researched it myself, but if even half of what I've read debunking Brown's "evidence" is true, this book is just what it was published as: A WORK OF FUCKING FICTION. As intelligent people of reason who do not rely on religious faith, we don't need history to be rewritten in order to support our theories of science and logic. This book (and don't forget the movie!) is not a cause to mount a new attack on Christianity based upon "historical" evidence of its lies and brutalities. Instead it's a reminder to keep pressure on the so-called Christians to act the way Jesus taught them, rather than terrorize the world with their religion. And make no mistake, Christian America; just because you use legislature and lobbyists instead of bullets and bombs doesn't change the fact that you are indeed a religious terrorist.

Wake up and resist.