George Michael Was Right

By Jiminy, you DO have to have faith. There is just no way to get through day to day life without it. Now, I'm not talking about faith in God, Allah, Odin, Satan, Zoroaster, the Great Spirit, or whatever you pray to; that's just silly. No, I'm referring to something completely different.

I have a wife. A gorgeous, goofy, precious creature that I can't imagine being without. I don't worry about her leaving me, though maybe I should, cuz I'm an idiot. Regardless, I wake up everyday with total faith that she'll be there, right beside me. When she leaves for work and I'm still trying to figure out how to make oatmeal, I have faith that she'll come home. She went to Vegas five months ago for a friend's batchelorette party and I didn't worry about her hooking up with Sigfried. Or Roy. Whichever one of them wasn't hideously disfigured by a fuckin tiger. I trust her, and faith is nothing but trust.

So faith is trust and trust is faith. It's integral to human nature. We cannot have relationships without trust. From birth we have no choice but to trust that our parents will take care of us, keep us warm and safe and love us. After that, we learn to trust others. We pick and chose friends and lovers and doctors and dry cleaners that we trust. We have to. We're all in this together.

When I get in my car, I have faith in my skills as a driver. Also, to a lesser degree, I have faith in other drivers not to just plow recklessly into me as they bang their cell phones against the steering wheel mounted plasma screen TV that was recently Pimped into their Ride. When I'm sitting in an airplane waiting to take off, I trust those guys that wander around the outside of the jet, ostensibly making sure the goddam thing is actually gonna fly. Again, I have no choice. If I'm going to fly, and I don't posses the knowledge to check out the aircraft, I have to put my faith in those lovely, orange-vested men and women.

So much of this life is out of our control, we have to have faith or we'd just go crazy. When you deposit a check in the bank, you go home certain it'll make it into your account. You probably don't spend a second worrying about it unless you have certain obsessive-compulsive disorders. That's faith. When your credit card is stolen and you call to cancel it, you're sure the woman on the other end of the phone is going to do just that. Why would she do otherwise? Faith. When you call Papa John's for the extra-large, deep dish, Bacon, Beef and Anchovy Super Mexican Melt Heart Attack Extravaganza, you're pretty sure the stoned delivery dude will find your house. Faith. When George W. Bush, our illustrious, infallible prez steps up to the podium, you can be absolutely fuckin certain he will say something hilariously stupid. Again, faith.

This list is eternally long. Not one step of your day occurs without at least a little snippet of trust that a particular thing will occur in a particular way. If your alarm doesn't go off, you don't wake up. If you don't have time for a shower, you'll stink at work. If your car doesn't start, you won't even MAKE it to work. If you don't go to work, your chronically late, stinky ass will be fired. Then you can't pay bills and you'll have to come work as a bartender with me. And I probably won't like you.

Religious jackasses have co-opted faith and made it into something completely different. They've turned it into a requirement for having a spiritual identity. They tell you that you must have faith in Jesus, and you'll be saved. They say you have to have faith that God loves you and has a plan for your baby daughter that died in her crib. God will never reveal himself to you; that would fuck up the game. No, it's your faith in him that makes you strong, it's your faith that proves to him that you love him back. You have to have faith that his quiet, still, little voice will be there, whispering into your brain that it's all OK, he's going to take very good care of you...

None of this shit helps you get through the day. At least, it shouldn't; if it does you're just deceiving yourself while reality whizzes by all around you. What gets you through the day is knowing that you're responsible for yourself. Salvation or damnation, it's all up to you. No one is coming to save you and you just might miss saving yourself if you keep waiting for it to happen. All the invisible crap that most religions rely on is totally useless. Which, unfortunately, makes most religions useless as well. Life isn't invisible, it's right here in front of you. It' s full of all this non-spiritual everyday stuff; bills and jobs and oil changes and dog shit and laundry and groceries. What helps you deal with THAT? That's what life is all about. I'm sorry, but it just isn't about merging with the Holy, or having visions of blissful unity or understanding God's plan for you. Life is about your everyday, normal living. What's the point of a perfect reward after you muddle through your confusing, painful life? You don't have to suffer blindly through these years. Your reward is right here, right now.

This is why Zen is different from other religions. In fact, it's so different that I hesitate to call it a religion at all. Is it a philosophy, then? No, it isn't. It's a set of instructions explaining reality and it couldn't care less if you follow it. Did your DVD player's manual give a shit if you read it? No, and it doesn't care if you know how to operate the equipment, either. The machine works the same way whether you understand it or not. Zen is exactly like that. The instructions are there but they are not open to debate because they don't describe spiritual opinions or philosophical theories, they describe what actually is.

Faith is required, naturally, but not the religious faith I've been speaking of. And quite derogatorily, too. I'm just a big ol bastard. Faith in Zen is faith in oneself. Can you make this journey? Are you dedicated enough to face up to the TRUTH when you find it? Because it won't be what you think it should be. You might not even like it but that won't make it go away.

If you're stressed and overwhelmed and unfocused, have faith that zazen (sitting meditation) can help you. Try it. Nothing happens. "Fuck," you think.

Try it again tomorrow. Nothing. "Fuck twice," you think.

Next day, more zazen. Boredom this time, mixed with some crankiness. Now you're getting somewhere! "This is a bunch of shit," you think.

But keep it up. Sit with the boredom, the irritation, the futility. Soon, all on it's own, your mind will start to settle down. It'll start to ground itself because that's it's natural state. One day you'll realize that something just happened that used to infuriate you and you barely even noticed. You'll notice that you smile easier and more often, and that your equanimity is more stable and present. When that happens, when you see the first, tiny benefit of zazen, your faith will swell. It will get strong and flexible, just like your mind. THIS is faith in Zen Buddhism. It's not pointed at something otherworldly or transcendent. It's trust that what you're doing is working in an empirical fashion to help you live happier and better. That's all you need.

By the way, the Buddha himself has told me to tell you NOT to take his word for it. You should question everything, all teachings, all techniques, all ideas, no matter where they come from. Investigate for yourself and make sure they work. Because, let's admit it, we're Americans, and if something don't work, we throw it the fuck away. Besides, what use is something if it doesn't help in daily life? Daily life is where we live, fer Chrissakes. We don't live on another plane, or in a vision of peace and love. We live HERE and HERE is where we must practice.

Don't look for heaven elsewhere. It's not up, it's not down. It's in all the bills and jobs and oil changes and dogshit and laundry and groceries. It's right here, it's real and tangible and perfect. Your life is Paradise.

This works. I promise. I'm not going to try to coerce you away from your personal faith. I will continue to tout the benefits of Zen practice the same way I tout the benefits of my widescreen, 52 inch, DLP, High Definition, 1080p Mitsubishi television: Because it's better than yours. And I can prove it. I have the instruction book right here.