Onward, Christian Soldiers

So the Vatican has released it's newest document, mandate, crazy rant, whatever you wanna call it. Not surprisingly, it's subject is the unequivocal banning of any and all homosexual hopefuls aiming at a spot in seminary. Not only that, it also bars entry to anyone supporting "gay culture". What the fuck is gay culture? The only marginals they will consider are people who had "transitory" gay feelings that were overcome at least 3 years ago.

"Well, father, I was kinda gay for a while, but nothing ever happened. Oh, no, that was years ago. I'm totally straight now."

The Church seems to have forgotten that NONE OF THESE GUYS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING ANYONE!! What does it matter who you WISH you could fuck if you were ALLOWED to fuck?

Un-shockingly, this promulgation has succeeded in angering not just homosexuals, but any and all intelligent life on this planet. So, just for the record, let me make sure I've got this straight...

...the Catholic Church, indubitably the most corrupt, vile, dissembling, back-stabbing, murderous, greedy, hateful organization man has ever created...
...which for years has been experiencing drop offs in parishioners and crippling shortages of priests and seminarians...
...as well as appearing more and more archaic and cut off from the modern world...
...this Church, this cut-throat assembly of God's innermost homeboys (but no homeGIRLS)...

...has succeeded in alienating hundreds upon hundreds of thousands of people in one fell swoop?

BRAVO! WELL DONE, YOU OLD CRUSTY WHITE GUYS!

Holy flopping testicles, if we just sit back, the Church will suffer the slow, grueling, painful death it deserves.

Now, I know what you're saying. The Church NEVER modernizes; the laws of God and Jesus are eternal, they don't change with the times. Let's forget, for a moment, all the councils the Church has called in the past 2000 years to vote in and out specific rules, regulations, and declarations, and assume that God's laws are timeless. Isn't every man, woman and child a sinner? Isn't each and every priest, bishop, and cardinal a sinner? Yes, they are. So if a priest is a sinner, and a secular homosexual out there just butt-plugging away at everything he likes is also a sinner, who's worse, in the Church's view? They guy who's actively homosexual, or the guy that WOULD be actively homosexual if he weren't a priest?

If the Church was really thinking instead of just experiencing knee-jerk reactions, they'd demand gay priests. They'd have nothing but gay priests. The more homosexuals you get into celibate positions in the church, the less homos you've got out there banging each other.

If you love the sinner but hate the sin, where's the harm in gay priests? I know, I know, the Holy See teaches if you sin in your heart, you've sinned with your body. Let's look past that rather puerile viewpoint and take a gander from the other side. They're worried about gay priests lusting after altar boys, or the husbands of parishioners, or Spongebob Squarepants. What about all the straight priests? Are you telling me they don't lust after women? Old women, young women, hot women, repulsive women, Angelina Jolie and Barbara Bush? Of course they do. They're men! Men love to fuck! Men love to think about fucking! Is the gay priest a worse sinner because he fantasizes about sex with men? Apparently so. But they're all out there, thinking, at least occasionally, about sex. Gay sex, straight sex, donkey sex and lonely old self sex.

So if everyone is thinking about sex (at least until they let women in, who are not quite as obsessed with what everyone's genitals look like), the Church might as well mount a massive drive to recruit as many openly, flamboyantly, swishily, straight-up Liberace gay fellas as they can. It'll get em off the streets, which are teeming with bad influences and buttholes. And for every homosexual they get into seminary, that's one more guy they can study right up close until they realize the inevitable: these people are just like them.

But, until then, congratulations, Catholic Fathers! You're driving em away in droves and that's what I like to see.